It's month 11, and this is probably the last blog I thought I'd write, but it's worth it to encourage other racers and even people at home who may relate.
At the end, you'll find the ‘8 Things To Do When You Want To Google a Plane Ticket Home’ list, but I’m just warning you, if you go to the bottom you’ll miss the part about the comment and the treats.
About the title: I’m not talking about repeating myself like a broken record. This blog is actually about me holding The World Race record for being broken, hence, a broken record. Anybody who wants to contend for holding the record will have to submit paperwork, and it's so not worth it, just let me keep the record.
(((This blog is painfully serious, so I’m adding some comedic relief in between to lighten the mood a bit, okay?)))
Let's recap on some of the brokenness, shall we?
Month 1
I was broken a lot, I felt overwhelmed by the community and all the Spanish interpreting I had to do, felt rejected all month (totally wasn’t, but I learned my acceptance came from the Lord).
Month 2
broken, felt unable, overwhelmed, and I felt like I was missing out on things back home and I wasn’t missed back home (wow those thoughts were ridiculous looking back, but that’s how I felt).
Month 3
broken, realizing that my heart was still broken and I had to lay down my pride and admit that I still needed more healing from the Lord (incredible growth month).
Month 4
.. um super broken, God was healing my heart and I had all kinds of confrontations with my biggest fears and insecurities (at the time it looked bad, but it was actually great for me).
Month 5
recovering, despite getting pretty darn sick with fever and my stomach a couple of times, I began to have visions of my future ministry and God revealed to me how innocent I look to Him (SO COOL).
Month 6
broken, as in crying myself to sleep a couple of times broken (I felt homesick and isolated, I missed my family and my best friends SO MUCH, yet God gave me a new spiritual gift that month and allowed for so much joy in the midst of it all).
Month 7
oh my gosh broken, hardest month on the whole race for me was Rwanda… first African country, culture shock, I was sick a lot, and I was still battling with rejection that month. Tough and loud. I resorted to sticking chewing gum in my ears, it was so loud. Laugh all you want, but you have noooo idea!
Month 8
ahaha um broken… so broken that I had a night at debrief that all I did was cry. I struggled with fear in general, and I didn’t want to be around people (oh the irony). God did some really cool stuff in my life in Month 8, and I am so thankful for that. Lots of revelation and hope.
Month 9
was another broken one. Crying myself to sleep a few nights, again, because I was homesick. I had to give up my comforts that month. I missed ‘the stuff’ I got to do and see and the freedom. Yet another point of surrender in this journey. Applied to seminary this month, so that in itself was a victory.
Month 10
so broken. Isolation, culture shock, being so very humbled that it hurt, liking the same meal the first 6 times I had to eat it, then hating it the other 40 times, feeling selfish and ungrateful, lack of good communication back home, to the point that my Godmother passed away and I didn’t find out til 4 days later. So add homesick to that, and then multiply it times ‘I should be home for this.’ I thought I would get accepted to seminary this month, but I didn’t hear back. Turns 3 out my 5 references' forms were delayed. Patience and grace practice!
Month 11
started out like WOO and now bam. Pit. Broken as a joken!
I don’t even know what to say at this point, aside from the fact that I’m hurting worse than my volcano boarding fail. The Lord wants me to trust Him so much more than I ever thought. I am being stretched. I am looking forward to being restored gently to my feet. My first reaction is to pour myself into something I can work towards, to busy myself so much that I wouldn’t have time to think about anything else. That’s one way to finish the race, but that would be a cop out for me. It wouldn’t glorify God if I simply busied myself right now. He knows my intentions. He knows I’d be taking advantage of the setting simply to escape from dealing with what’s actually going on inside me. Does that sound familiar or what?!
So for the next couple of days, I’m staying with a different team in the same city, while my team goes on a really fun trip to Chennai. I couldn’t do it, and that’s okay. It’s a humbling place to be, but it’s worth it. I have to believe it’s worth it.
I used to have to chant myself out of bed with “God is good, He is good to me, He has good for me, today will be a good day because God made it” and remind myself of God’s goodness and promises.
It takes courage to get up, and to hope, and to love. It takes a ton of courage.
My source of courage is the Lord.
“You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” 2 Samuel 22:29-33
God is turning my darkness into light and arming me with strength on a daily basis.I hear from the Lord. He speaks to me. He speaks TRUTH. I believe what He says.
That’s enough to get me from day 1 to day 2.
That’s really all I need.
I preached today to some village people about Psalm 27.
not these Village People…
I talked about trusting the Lord when we are broken and fearful, and how amazing it is to have the hope of seeing God’s beauty and dwelling with Him forever. I talked about how in reality things can look really unfavorable yet in our hearts we can have confidence through it, just focusing on God’s power and promises. I talked about the importance of earnest prayer and seeking the Lord. I talked about how God always receives us, no matter what, and how we must always seek His guidance. And in the end, ironically, I talked about expecting goodness with confidence. It takes strength to wait, but that we need to wait in confidence of God’s goodness.
God spoke these things through me yesterday without notes, on a moment’s notice, and He was speaking to me, knowing in advance what would happen and how desperately I would need to hear those words. So desperately, that He made me say them out loud to a crowd.
In the crowd, there was a lady who cried and cried after I spoke. She was moved by the message, and I couldn’t really figure out why the message hit her so deeply… that is, until it hit me.
Okay, I have a story and a list, and then this blog will end. If you’ve made it this far, you should give yourself a treat on my behalf, or leave a comment demanding a treat when I get home, and I will bake you something delicious. Pays not to skim, baby.
Brief story… the other day I met a girl who was living in a makeshift shack, and she looked like she was having a bad day. We’d visited her neighbors, and she was next on the line of shacks. She said her husband had left her a month ago. I started getting patted on the back by one of my teammates, and I thought ‘oh here we go’ and so I opened my Bible to good ol’ Isaiah 54 and geared up to give her a tiny testimony of what happened to me. The situation escalated, because she was the exact age I was when it all happened, and it was the same month, and there were too many ‘coincidences’ for me to think this was just another random person. I watched as she lit up when I shared my story, and told her the things God has used me to do since, and the calling He’s put on my life. I watched her smile. After I prayed for her, she grabbed my hands and told me she would never forget me. She then she proceeded to lead me by the hand to another shack to pray for another lady whose husband had left her. Seriously?!
So yes, I have seen the goodness of the Lord. He delivers, so be strong and take heart and wait. The goodness may not be exactly what you expect, but it’s such wonderful goodness. God is so faithful.
And finally…
8 Things To Do When You Want To Google a Plane Ticket Home
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PRAYER and activate your prayer warriors back home/in the squad/in other squads.
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Think of your alternatives. There are a million alternatives on the race aside from hopping on a plane. You can stay back that day. You can go visit a different team. You can get creative here, and don’t think for a minute that you shouldn’t do what you can to recover AND stay on board.
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Shake it out. Cry it out. Your feelings are valid. BUT be careful with your words here. Honor God with your words at all times.
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Guard your mind, take every thought captive. Is it TRUTH from Jesus? Hold on to it. Is it a total lie from the enemy? Rebuke that junk.
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PRAISE. Sing. (‘Swing low, sweet chariot’ doesn’t count! Sing HAPPY songs!) Read 2 Samuel 22, read pretty much all the Psalms. Sing some more. ‘All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship!’
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WRITE. :] writing is good for the soul. Just be careful what you post. Write in a journal, write out your prayers and your feelings. Odds are, I’ve felt something similar along the way, and if I’m 15 days from finishing, you also can survive it in the strength of the Lord.
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COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. It ain’t all bad, folks. At any point, you can count so many blessings and advantages and perks in this trip. The little kids’ faces, the hugs, the randomness, the never knowing when something hilarious will happen next, the awkward situations that make great stories, the times when you go ‘Is this my life?’ and it all takes your breath away… I mean it, count your blessings. It’s a legit experience, worth the sacrifice.
- Tell God He is worth it. That whatever it is you’re going through, God’s glory is worth it. Daddy, as long as You get glory out of this situation, I say ‘amen’ to it.
Be broken. It's temporary.
Keep in mind what is eternal 🙂
But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power ma y rest on me. -2 Cor 12:9
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. -Psalm 51:17
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Cor 1:26-27
