I woke up sweaty on my mattress on the floor.
To my left is my Bible, journal, and pens.
To my right is a tangle of cords, my headlamp, and my dwindling reserve of chocolate. Along the side of my bed are my toiletries, in Ziploc bags: soap, deodorant, contacts solution, toothpaste, toothbrush, limited makeup, vanilla smell-good stuff. My towel is hanging on the curtain rod. I put on more deodorant. Can’t ever have enough deodorant on, ever.
I lay in bed thinking “my God, my life is so messy.”
Some days, it’s fun. I mean, I get to explore a foreign country. I find a cool place to read my Bible. I learn from the Lord by literally depending on Him, since I never really know what’s going on.
I can see the freedom. I can see how He’s working in me in this season. I can see how God is using us to bring good and move forward His Kingdom in each country I’ve been to. I can see the good in ministry. I can see the light in people's eyes as we speak to them about Jesus. I feel the love as I hold a little child. I see the difference when we clean, paint, build, plant, etc.
Yet some days, I close my eyes and wish I were in my happy place. Feel free to laugh, but my current happy place looks like this: a dark little cave, with a cold breeze blowing in, with a comfy couch, a soft afghan, a kitten, and Jesus on the couch with me, just holding my hand. Oh and silence. There’s just silence, except for the very quiet, cute meows of the kitten. That is my happy place. God, cold, comfy, quiet, and there’s a random element of cuteness.
God has equipped me to endure any hardship I will face on this trip.
The abandonment of my plans, the limited stuff, the distance from my comfortable places, and the absence of my family… rough. It’s a constant state of surrender.
It’s a constant choosing of Jesus over everything else.
My appreciation for the littlest things escalates. Example? I bought a new pen, and it has a pirate bunny on it. Made my day. It’s the best pen in the entire universe as far as I’m concerned, and it makes me smile.
Then I have to get up. I have to get up. I have to make the conscious decision to get up and face my day with joy. Sometimes I have to chant a few things to pep myself up. “God is good. God is good to me. God has good for me. God made this day. Today is a good day. God I am thankful for this good day.”
And now here I go. Getting up 🙂
Good morning!
Pirate Bunny wishes you a good morning!
Your blog entry reminds me of something my son went thru today. He’s in charge of production for our church services. this includes, lights, sound, video clips, lyrics to worship songs on screens, etc. Today, he went to church early to get it all ready for when the worship team was there 1 hr later. When he got to church nothing was working out. He didn’t have the videos available to use, the lyrics hadn’t been sent to him, etc. etc. It was less than 1 hr. prior to service starting and things were still “messy and falling apart”. He bowed his head and prayed, right there in the sound booth. “God this day and this service is yours, so if it’s going to work, you’ll have to fix it.” And guess what, God did fix it! Our pastor came in with the needed resources, and my son was able to get them in place before service time. Sometimes when things are messy and falling apart is when God works best. Praying for you!
I love you, Helena.