Re-reading Job until launch. Today was the first day, first chapter. I was struck by verse 20, as if I'd never read it before. Job had just received news from four messengers, one stumbling into the other, interrupting the other:
"The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
"The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
"The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
"Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
And here are verses 20 and 21:
"At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head.
Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."
This verse made me look back on my journal, through my biggest hardship, my divorce. Did my prayers sound like worship? I decided to share with you my ground worship. I want to give glory to God for His work in me.
This was me last year, last November and December.
"I feel so broken. How long will it take to rebuild me? I don't want to cry anymore. I'm a mess. I hate mess. But You're the one that's in charge."
"I stand in awe of the glory You will take for this. You will turn this into something beautiful. I do have hope. There's no way but up from here."
"God, help me to give You glory at all times."
"I hope to serve God in a very bold way. Please equip me, Lord. I want to stand out."
"I thank You God for the steady, good things You do keep. Thank You for being so close to me, literally holding my heart. You're the only one for me, You're my healer."
"Please strengthen me and give me direction as far as mission or schooling go."
"Thank You for providing me with sound teaching and so much encouragement. I haven't cried of sadness in a while."
"I pray that no creepers remain in our group." (hahaha I had to share this, this was totally in my journal! lol)
"Last night I broke down again our of sheer anxiety and loneliness, coupled with rejection and disappointment. I was really wrong. Thank You for isolating me last night and making Your point that I need a lot of work. I am in need of so much, my life is still really messy and chaotic. I pray that I can get it together with Your help. God please ease my anxiety. Help me to be complete again, I just got broken in half. Half of my bed stays made, half of my closet is empty, half of the bathroom drawers are empty, half of my food is uneaten. I pray You fill in, God, that I can turn to You in full confidence You'll complete me and heal me."
"My heart is still seeking You, God. I'll never stop. You're my focus point, when everything else blurs, You stay steady. Thank You. Guard my heart in Your hands, heal it, still it, so it beats for Your purpose alone."
"I've gained perspective in a whole new way. Reasons to reaffirm me and reasons to focus on You with all the more courage and determination. God, You are my hope, and You know what I need. My heart is in Your hands. I thank You, God, for shielding me, protecting me from tears, keeping me at a place where I know how loved I am and that I can minister to others, and be accountable. I need You only, and when You're all I have, God, You are enough. Give me vivid hope, and heal my heart."
"My hope is in You, God. My desires for this life are nothing compared to what You've already given me."
"Lord, soften my heart. Today it's really hardened. I'm afraid. I'm doubting. Your promises never waver. I feel so unworthy today, I feel so much like a disappointment to You, Jesus. I have to keep reminding myself that You delight in a broken offering, a humbled sinner's heart. Sometimes it's hard to understand why You love me when I can be so frustrating, wrestling with thoughts that shouldn't cross my mind. Keep me pure."
"Please keep me in Your hands. I hope You reach out to me soon, God. I love You so much it's hard to describe. Your name be praised even now, my King."
"God, You healed me so much today. I can't start to tell You how excited I am to just give You my life and not worry anymore. Take me to the harvest and away from my human nature-set mind. God, You have more for me than the husband, kids, and house. God build me as a woman. Help me to be Godly and keep on climbing up higher to be with You more and more. Let me shine a light in the dark places I'm around. You sit on Your throne in power and control. Thank You so much for taking care of me so tenderly."
"God I always pray to be tender but this time I'm asking to be toughened up. My heart is being bruised on my sleeve. God, put it back in my ribcage, where You intended it to be. Give me the perspective You have on all this. Help me to let go and be a faithful servant to You. Help me to forget these longings, fill me with other ideas and ways to bring You glory. I pray You fully heal any shaky part of me, any part that is so afraid that I hide it."
"Thank You God for relieving my heart and giving me freedom. All I truly want here is You, God. Thank You so much for letting me breathe again and giving me a sense of being complete."
"God You pulled me through. I'm still in it, You're still pulling me. Help my super horribly stubborn heart to learn Your will. I've been so hardened. Give me strength to stand up under this."
"Jesus, You've done such a work in me. Seal my heart. Thank You Jesus for being so wonderful and loving to me. You fill all my brokenness, all my longings. Make me holy. You're enough, more than enough."
"I want Your will alone, whatever it takes!"
"God, I crave You. Beyond knowing I need You, I crave and yearn to spend time with You, to read, to learn, to pray. You are loving and near. I give it all up. You are sovereign. All my life I want to praise You."
And I figured I'd share this praise from July 🙂 I wrote this the day I became an official member of my church.
"Finally! I finally belong! I praise You God, I have so many answered prayers, my heart can barely take it. Lord, Your provision is unfailing."
That's how far He's brought me.
He's carried me.
I wanted to share with you what being on the ground felt like to me.
Give you a little glimpse of what it felt to go through what I did.
I want to encourage you, reader, to praise God when you're on the ground. In the pit. In the dark.
When your eyes are so swollen from crying you can't see. When your life feels like it's ebbing away.
Praise Him. Ask Him to come be with you.
He always showed up for me. And He's brought me out, and He gave me joy.
