God is taking me on a journey, and not all parts are the same.
He’s preparing me for my next season. Still in prayer about that, but God is slowly reassuring me of what’s next. *dun dun dun* I’ll let the suspense build. It has to do with ministry and grad school. Woo!!!
I have to trust that the work God is doing in me and my heart is enough.
On my free time, I’m currently plowing chronologically through Isaiah, 2 Kings, and 2 Chronicles.
I’m learning that God unfortunately does not spare the gory details, and He’s definitely a dude. Whoever says God is a woman needs to wake up and read 2 Chronicles. It’s so gross. I’m also learning that back in those times, they had a serious stray dog problem. The dogs were out of control, and so were the bears. I’m learning that God’s provision isn’t always pleasant for us, but each of His provisions have a purpose. I’m learning that only God can undivide my heart. Yes, it’s like the Toni Braxton song, “Unbreak My Heart”, but only God can give me an undivided heart. If David had to ask for an undivided heart, sign this girl up.
I’m also learning that I’m innocent. I’m about as innocent as I was when I was 4 years old. Didn’t really go too crazy by the time I was 4. I did have a shampoo-drinking incident as foreshadowing, but I was pretty fresh back then. God let me understand that it wouldn’t matter if I had a do-over. If I could go back and do it all over again, squeaky clean, patient, discerning, it still wouldn’t make a difference.
Whoa. Hold on. I know that sounds crazy.
God forgives my past.
It doesn’t matter if He’s forgiving a small bathroom trashcan’s worth of sins versus a whole dumpster.
I would still fall short of the glory of God. I would still desperately need Jesus. I would still be in awe of the concept of grace.
So God sees me as an innocent little girl.
Childlike in my faith, silly in my humor, kind, compassionate, and adorable.
I can stop dwelling on shame and guilt, wishing for a do-over, shoulda, coulda, woulda, and accept God’s grace.
I saw myself playing in a beautiful field. I was just a little girl in a white dress. The sun was shining on my blonde hair, and I was in total bliss.
Out of nowhere, a little boy joins me. He’s in a coat and tie, but not uncomfortable. We play, run, pull grass from the ground, hide-and-seek, and scream-giggle the whole time.
Then he gave me a flower.
That’s when it dawned on me that this little man is the man God has for me.
Equally spotless, equally free, equally childlike, fun, and kind. And he was uber cute.
In the end I saw that on top of the hill where we were playing, there was a huge wooden cross.
God’s will.
So I trust Him. I’m trusting Him. I’m doing what He asks and being faithful, and He’ll take care of the rest.
What a hurdle to just accept my innocence, and accept that God sees me that way!
There is nothing I need to do to earn grace.
That the question in Psalm 116:12 is rhetorical
“How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me?”
There’s no way to repay Him!
All I can do is keep seeking His face with a grateful heart, and running my race.
